changes are hard to make...

I'm trying to change some things right now... being type-A doesn't allow me to be satisfied with the status quo, no matter how good it might be.

Am I trying to improve myself or am I just trying to keep up with the Jones'? I dunno.

What I do know is that I'm still not happy with myself and that my life genuinely is miserable because I'm such an anti-social ass. So, this has to change. It's been a long time coming and I have said that I would change many times before, but this needs to stop before I get too old to change. 'Nuff said about that.

I'm miserable at my job, like every one that I've had before. I think that it's just I've never found anything that makes me genuinely happy, some people doubt I'll ever be happy at work. I don't know about that, I find my work now to just be pointless and custodial... having to cater to everyone else's whim without any thought to what I need to be doing. I feel like a gopher, a whipping-post and a house-slave all rolled up into a 6'6", 350lb package. This is not how I want to earn my living as I approach 30... so, this has to change too.

My grandmother is my muse in all of this... let me explain why.

Grandma is 72 years old... she's had so many things happen to her medically that I could fill a page with the crap I do know about, let alone what she hasn't told me. In the last year, she has broken both wrists, had carpal tunnel surgery, diagnosed with cancer, had major surgery to remove said cancer, undergone aggressive chemotherapy (yep, the cancer again) and finally she broke her left hip.

While in the hospital for the hip, she was so weakened by the chemo that she had 16 blood transfusions in less than a month. Her heart is literally so weak that the team of doctors advised her not to have the surgery on the hip. Being the stubborn old broad that she is (I mean this very lovingly, of course), she went with it... and survived. She made it through the night and then the week, and then two weeks and finally was discharged to a rehab home about a week later. She started walking a few days after arriving and now can walk fairly well with the use of a walker (she probably will have to use it for the rest of her life). She's finally home now, and will continue to progress. I hope that she will walk on her own again, but that's probably not going to happen. She pulled through... the doctors are impressed... I'm just proud of her.

Now, as to why she's my motivation... she is the most determined person I've ever met. Nothing and nobody has been able to stop her, she's like a spiritual freight train. When something moves her to act, she's unstoppable. I see this kind of spirit and it makes me feel like a loser... because I don't have it.

Fortunately, she says you don't have to be born with that kind of determination... you have to learn it. It's tough as hell to do, because it requires tremendous sacrifice and even some pain... but when you come out of it, you're stronger and more capable than ever. Granted, my Grandma is now crippled to a degree... but don't think she isn't trying to get to the point that she can throw that walker aside and move freely on her own. Her spirit is as strong now as it ever was despite her physical condition. I want to be like that. With that kind of strength, I could live life much more fully than I am now (we all could).

Well, it all begins with a single step (especially in Grandma's case)... so, here goes... I'm going to learn how to walk now.